How to look like a twat and almost bankrupt yourself.

Today, I thought I might die. It was dark, cold and hard to breathe. My heart was pounding and I couldn't think straight. It was lonely inside that gloomy silk cocoon in which I found myself stuck... Like a complete twat. No, I wasn't trapped in any sort of heroic situation like rescuing a cute puppy from a bloody well. Nope, not me. I was stuck in a fecking bridesmaids dress. Like a champ.

My best friend is getting married and today was bridal dress shopping day (fantastic fun), she looked beautiful, stunning, graceful. I on the other hand did not. She has asked me to be her maid of honour which I am completely thrilled about, I love this girl to pieces and it is such an amazing thing to be a part of.

First bridesmaid dress I tried on, a beautiful dark blue number a size too big with a plunging neck; so it was roomy, comfortable and I felt quite pretty in it.

Dress number 2 however.. did not work so well. The dress was very lavish, elegant, fitted aaannnddd about two sizes too small. Excellent. Operation squeeze into the tiny tiny dress commence....

I tried the good old step into it deal, nope, stupid hips were like 'fuck you tiny dress, you shall not grace us!!', so I resulted in putting it on like a fecking tshirt. Boobs didn't like this too much, but with enough squeezing I got it on (albeit without zipping it up), modelled it and then it was time to remove the bugger.

From Orlaya

I tried to pull it down. Nope. It was having none of that. I tried to pull it up. Nope, boobs decided to go all Gandalf on me 'You shall not passss!!!!!!'. Fuck.

So off with the bra, hands up and I pulled the dress up as hard as I could and that was it, I was stuck, I bent over to try and get gravity involved but nope. There I was, the human wind sock, a stupid silky burrito, bent over like a twat. Great day to wear a thong...

This is the point where the panic kicks in. Do I just put it back on and buy the bastard?! Walk out the shop all nonchalant and pretend all is gravy? 'Yeah, I'll take it, I can totally afford the hundreds of pounds and I like the whole zip down look. Classy'. NO.

I struggled even more, realising I had been quiet for a while and my next dress to try on was waiting. Next thought- do I hulk out of it? Just flex as hard as I can and hang it back up like nothing happened??

Nope, still bent over, looking like a fucking weird tent. 

Took what felt like an eternity to pull this dress millimetre by millimetre over my head. Then I could see light at the end of my dark tunnel and it FINALLY popped off, along with me almost face planting the floor. It was a beautiful moment. Beautiful. Apart from standing wearing only a thong and looking completely dishevelled.

Fabulous.

This woman is a fucking genius.

The next dress was so pretty and too big! WIN!


Heather